we're chasing vodka with high fives
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
