the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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