I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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