No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
