it wasn't lemon gatorade
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
