I think I won the penis lottery.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
