I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
