i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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