he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
