ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
