that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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