mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
