I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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