so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
