mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
