Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
