Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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