ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
