tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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