just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
