My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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