we made out on top of his cat.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
