what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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