I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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