I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
