My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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