Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
