i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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