Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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