I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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