I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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