Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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