They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
