1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
