Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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