I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
