It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
