Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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