I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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