I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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