she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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