My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
