remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You ruined the universe
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
