Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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