I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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