history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
