Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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