i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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