I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
