I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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